Really in the soup
DURING spells of cooler weather, restaurants lie empty. Sales of canned soups soar. People need comfort food three times a day (or eight, if you are Oprah).
I was discussing this with a Frenchman, who told me that English-speakers’ gross ignorance about food stretched to the very words they used for it.
When he asked: “Would you like a history lesson?” I told him no thanks.
Still he began: In 1765, un homme en Paree started selling a tasty liquid he called restorer, which is “restaurant” in French. The idiotic English got it mixed up and promptly told the world that “restaurant” meant “place to eat out”.
Germans were soon dippling sops (their word for chunks of bread) into the delicious warm bowls of ‘restaurant’. The idiotic English got confused again, and told the world that the new dish was called “soup”.
So the English sentence: “Sitting in a restaurant, I drank some soup” actually means, “Sitting in some soup, I drank some bread.”
I was disinclined to accept this outrageous slur on English speakers so I checked Wikipedia. Astonishingly, the Frenchman was right in every detail.
Later, I was sharing this news with friends, when a Beijing-born militant raised his head.
“It’s absurd to think that all good things originated from one place, Western Europe,” he said. “The truth is, all good things originated from China.”
He called up a news article on his screen. Chinese archaeologists had unearthed a 2,400-year-old portion of soup, it said. It was so well sealed it was still liquid.
An American butted into the conversation. “Did the container say Campbells?” he asked, insisting that the US Campbell Soup Company claimed to have invented canned soups.
We all agreed that the 2,400-year-old soup should be sent to foul-mouthed TV celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay.
If a restaurant serves something even a few hours old, he goes mad, cursing and throwing pots, pans and waiters around.
Imagine the scene when he tastes the soup:
Ramsay: “@#$%! This soup tasted @#^ing ancient! When did you brew this up, the @#$%ing Dark Ages?”
Archeologist: “No, Mr Ramsay, it was brewed in China two-and-a-half millenniums ago.”
Ramsay: “Flush this @$%ing @#$% down the toilet and make a fresh one, you @#$%ing morons.”
One of the diners at this gathering told me that in Hong Kong, you can click on chinesesoup.com and get a portion of “chicken with white fungus” delivered to your desk.
I replied that there was already something that could be described as “chicken with white fungus” in the office fridge, but no one would want to eat it. We also have “chicken with green fungus” and “pork fillets with mystery fur”.
We were all astonished when the American told us that US citizens buy 2.5 billion cans every year of the three main flavours of Campbell soup.
The Beijing guy said he would ask Campbell for a muti-trillion-dollar royalty payment.
The best Chinese soup was Sishen Tang, which translates as Four-Divinity Pig Stomach Soup, he said.
“Is it made from a pig’s stomach?” the American asked.
The speaker patted his generous midriff. “Yes. Also it gives you one.”
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Soup recipes with Bill & Sheila
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