Tales from the prison kitchens

Over on our sister site

Bill & Sheila’s Cookbook

we are running an open ended article featuring a retired prison chef George ‘Lewis’ Proctor. (Click the link to read the background).

Tonight, I emailed Lewis for more recipes and said that we watched Jamie Oliver’s ’15′ Melbourne right through last week – all ten episodes. There was one scene where Jamie was telling the trainee chefs what to say if a customer asked what the dish consisted of. He instructed a rather large, tattooed lady ex drug addict (I think she was ex) that the dish was poached salmon with a lemon sauce. A customer did ask her what it was and her reply was quite simple and to the point , “It’s f…ing fish mate what does it look like!”

I asked lewis if he had any humorous stories from his days in the prison kitchens. He sent me this lovely little story, which I think will amuse you.

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While working at a Cat C prison kitchen in Lancashire, we had a particularly likable character who was more camp than a VW caravanette. When he went to the Gym he had his own polkadot shorts which he wore with pride and if anybody got up his nose he would threaten to kiss them (he was a big lad) this usually got rid of the offending prisoner or prison officer.

One day, we had just had a supply of rags delivered to us which we used to wipe floors and machinery down with and Langley was sorting through these for some “good uns” as he called them. Suddenly, there was this squeal of delight and he was all of a fluster “ooh look what I’ve got ” he shouts and there he stood, with a black bra, matching panties and suspender belt.

It took no guessing as to where those would be going in the next hour, so my boss, a whiley old Yorkshireman arranged to have Langley searched by security.

When the search team arrived and called for Langley his face was a picture. The boss told the senior officer in charge of the search team, he could use the staff toilet to search him in. We all crowded around the door listening to what was going on inside.

“This is a strip search take your clothes off down to your pants”, said the Senior Officer.
“No”, said Langley
“You bloody well will”, said the S.O
“I bloody well will not”, said Langley
“You’ll be nicked if you don’t”, said the S.O.
“I’LL be nicked if I do”, said Langley
“Right you’ve asked for it get em off or we’ll get em off for you”, said the Senior Officer.

There was a brief silence as Langley considered this and decided to remove his prison uniform. There was a long drawn out “OH…MY… GOD!” from the Senior Officer.

The the boss and I, along with the other prison chefs opened the door to see Langley stood there in all his glory, in his Bra, Panties, Suspender belt and Black stockings which he must have been saving for an occasion like this.

We all laughed until the tears ran down our legs but it took a long time for young Langley to see the joke

Watch out for more Tales from the Prison Kitchen.